Tolerance

Please bear with me as I deviate from my typical blog content and style.  The subject of tolerance has weighed heavily on my mind recently and I felt compelled to share my thoughts and feelings here on my blog.

Let me begin by defining the word “tolerance“.

1.	a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one’s own; freedom from bigotry.

2.	a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward opinions and practices that differ from one’s own.

3.	interest in and concern for ideas, opinions, practices, etc., foreign to one’s own; a liberal, undogmatic viewpoint.

We hear an awful lot about tolerance in today’s society.  We also hear a lot about zero-tolerance, most especially in the workplace and in schools.  But what about in our personal lives?

As the definition explains, to be tolerant suggests that we are “fair, objective, and permissive toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc. differ from our own”.  That certainly SEEMS possible.  There are many groups and people with whom I disagree but I choose to stand by their side and hold them up as children of God rather than someone who needs to be “saved” or “indoctrinated” or even just “condemned”.  But many of these people with whom I disagree do not directly hurt or affect me.  Sure…I want Carmen raised in a household that names Jesus Christ as our Savior and Lord, but would it hurt for her to learn about Mohammed and his teachings from a friend who practices the Muslim faith?  So, tolerance is a good thing, right?

Well, I have 2 problems with tolerance.

1) To me, despite the definition, I view tolerance as something negative, especially when it comes to race.  To tolerate someone suggests they did something wrong or disagreeable to your own beliefs.  To be “tolerant of African Americans” is to be “fair, objective, and permissive” about who they ARE…not about what they DO!  To be “tolerant of homosexuals” is to be “fair, objective, and permissive” about who they ARE…not about what they DO!  Now, to say that you are tolerant of homosexual BEHAVIOR makes sense, but it is the BEHAVIOR to which you show tolerance, not the PERSON!  PEOPLE should not just be tolerated.  PEOPLE should be embraced, nurtured, loved, and accepted regardless of who they are, what they believe, their color, race, or nationality!

2) Sometimes tolerance, no matter how hard we try, is just NOT possible.  Sometimes a policy of “zero tolerance”, as practiced in many workplaces and schools, is necessary especially in our private lives.  BH and I chose to become a multi-racial family through adoption.  As a result we cannot tolerate racism in any part of our lives.  Does that mean racism was OK before we became a multi-racial family?!  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!  But before adopting a child of another race we were able to take more liberty in accepting racial remarks while trying to educate the people around us who chose to include us in their racism.  After welcoming our daughter into our family we no longer have the liberty or the time or the energy to EDUCATE!  Our daughter is our priority and doing all within our power to raise her in an anti-racist environment sometimes means adopting a policy of “zero tolerance”.  Zero tolerance for racism, and yes…zero tolerance for the PEOPLE who CHOOSE to practice racism (or any other stereotypical negative “-ism”, such as classism, chauvinism, eurocentrism, etc.).  Some people might find this hypocritical considering our past tolerance.  Others might find this to be unaccepting and disrespectful of personal beliefs.  However this is our family we are talking about.  Yes…it might be unaccepting.  And yes…it might be disrespectful.  But we cross the line between tolerance and zero tolerance when our own family is at risk of serious damage and hurt as a result of another person’s beliefs, whether personally directed toward our family or not.

So, yeah.  Tolerance is a tough thing.  I truly believe we are all called to be tolerant of each other’s beliefs and behaviors.  But when those beliefs and behaviors become detrimental to one’s own personal well-being or that of their family it becomes imperative that each family member recognizes those beliefs and behaviors for what they are and agrees that they will NEVER be tolerated in, around, or among their family.  We have a GREAT responsibility to protect those we love.  Unfortunately sometimes that even means intolerance of those things and those people who hurt us, no matter how hard it might be.

Catching Up!!!

I know it’s been awhile since I last posted, but I thought I would take this opportunity to share just a few milestones from these past few months.  And just so you know, I think I’ll be turning this blog more into a journal about Carmen’s daily adventures, accomplishments, tantrums, and just life with a Toddler in general!  As we all know, parenting a Toddler can bring MUCH joy, require EXTREME patience, and can certainly help in growing one’s faith!!!

So, where have I been?  Well…in 3 words…PARENTING A TODDLER!!!!

Life has been both a whirlwind AND a complete joy these past few months!

~Carmen took her own sweet time in walking independently.  From day 1 she took steps here and there (mostly when she thought we weren’t looking) but never really showed enough confidence to actually WALK!  It was always my theory that some children are just perfectionists, and will never start doing something until they believe they reached mastery of that particular skill.  I believe this is true with Carmen, who no sooner did she begin walking, actually started RUNNING!!!  And within just days of that she pretty well perfected climbing up AND down the stairs.  We are the kind of parents who decided pretty quickly, with all the stairs we have in our house, that rather than be ever-fearful of her plummeting to the bottom of each and every staircase, we would prefer to just teach her how to go up and down safely.  Let me say that this greatly helped in eliminating our concern of the stairs, and resulted in not needing baby gates to maneuver past and trip over.

~With every passing day Carmen’s vocabulary grows by leaps and bounds.  Of course, most is only recognizable to the attuned ears of her Mommy and Daddy, but nonetheless, she clearly tries to repeat actual words and phrases.  She says “Mama”, “Dada”, “wa (i) da?” (what (is) that?), “ow” (thanks Mom-Mom), “doh” (go; she will complete the phrase “ready, set, ‘dohhhhh'”), “eh doh” (let’s go), “Mama da?” (Mama, what’s that?), “ooooooooo” (moo), “eh heh” (neigh), “aaahhhhh” (baa), “zzzzzzzz” (buzz), “eh ba” (thank you/I love you/Amen; you know which one depending on what’s happening – i.e. when getting a kiss she says “eh ba” for I love you because that’s what WE always say when we kiss her, after our mealtime prayer she says “eh ba” for Amen, and when handing her something she wants she says “eh ba” for thank you, to which we always say “you’re welcome”).  No matter what, she almost ALWAYS tries to repeat what we say.  She will watch our mouths and try to form the words in the same way.  She also recently showed an interest in singing frequently joining in with her own tune and words whenever one of us bursts into song (which happens quite often in this household)!  VERY cute!!!!!

~Carmen has become QUITE the dancer!!!  When she first came home she often would start swaying side-to-side regardless of whether she heard music or not (to which I would start singing “I got the music in me…I got the music in me…I GOT the MUSIC in meeeeee”).  Just recently she started adding new moves to her repertoire!  These include bopping her head or her upper body front-to-back, bending at the waist in a psudo-twist style, or most recently, bending to one side and spinning in a circle!!!  Let me just say, I nearly busted a gut when I saw THAT move!  I’ve gotta tell ya…the girl has rhythm!!!!  Oh…she just started CLAPPING to music too…and not just that gentle golf clap, but full-fledged, swinging her arms back and bringing her hands together in as loud of a clap as she can produce!!!

~Carmen now sleeps in her own bed and puts herself to sleep each and every night!  Our bedtime routine consists of a bottle (Mommy isn’t ready to eliminate that bonding opportunity just yet), potty time (yes…she consistently performs BOTH bits of business in the potty each night), tooth brushing (to the tunes of either “You Brush Your Teeth” or “ABC” depending on who is helping), diaper and jammies, and finally a rip-roaring 10 minutes of TICKLE TIME!!!!  Yup…you read that right!  Nothing like getting your baby ready for bed with a good TICKLE!!!  You see, we found that when we put her right to bed after jammies and a short “rub down” she was still a bit antsy in her crib and would take anywhere from 1/2 – 1 hour before falling asleep.  We learned that if we actually helped her exert some of that energy before laying down she fell asleep faster!  So, tickle time became an official part of our bedtime routine, as crazy as that might sound!  She still sleeps a solid 11 hours/night regardless of the time she falls asleep.  I’ve actually found myself WAKING her at 10:30 a.m. before our entire day gets away from us (we DO believe she wakes up sometime during the night and will play for a bit before falling back to sleep, thus causing her to sleep later in the morning)!!!

~As evidenced by our last trip to the Dr., Carmen STILL loves to eat (she weighed 28 1/2 lbs and was 32 7/8″ tall – a weight gain of 4 lbs and growth of 2 inches since our last visit 4 months ago)!!!  We have yet to find much that she doesn’t like.  Even her initial disdain for cauliflower has turned into at least a tolerance, if not an actual liking!  I will admit that I’m rather strict when it comes to trying new foods!  I am a firm believer in the “it takes 16 tries before one determines a true like or dislike of a flavor”.  I do not tolerate dislike due to texture, so if Carmen spits something out before she clearly has enough time to TASTE it, I will require that she immediately try the food again!  We’ve reached the point where she rarely if ever spits anything out.  She might clearly dislike it, showing her distaste through rather animated facial expressions, but will finish chewing and swallowing.  At that point I don’t require her to eat more but I’m certainly not about to NEVER feed her that food again!  Considering some of her reactions to first tastes, if I never required her to try things again she still wouldn’t be eating Kix, Life, cauliflower, or mashed potatoes!!!  Wouldn’t that be a shame?!

~Carmen has become fairly outgoing, especially in places where she is comfortable and familiar.  We see this most especially at Church.  This past Sunday she actually spent the last 1/2 of the service in the nursery where she made her FIRST craft (awwwww…brought tears to Mommy’s eyes!  Thanks K & W!!!)!  At our Board meeting on Tuesday, she again went to the nursery with K (thanks K…YOU ROCK!!!).  In the past she showed a slight apprehension around men, but has since become more comfortable around them.  It pleased me to watch as she handed her favorite book to Mr. W and stood next to him with her hand on his knee as he read to her.  She actually talked out loud in everyone’s presence, and voluntarily sat on the Pastor’s lap!  Needless to say, Church is quickly becoming her home-away-from-home!  She comfortably naps there on Sunday afternoons and on Fridays!  She smiles, laughs, waves bye-bye, and blows kisses to anyone who “asks”!  She really has become quite the Church’s social butterfly, bringing a smile to the face of all who greet her!

~With all the pages and pages of good we certainly have our share of bad!  Life with a Toddler just would NOT be normal without a few MAJOR tantrums!!!  I once had someone question whether listening to a satirical children’s song about throwing tantrums would encourage her child to actually BEGIN throwing tantrums!  I nearly laughed thinking that a young child doesn’t need to listen to a song to learn how to throw a tantrum!  At 17 months old, Carmen has yet to hear this song, yet throws her tantrums with the best of them!  Just this past week she managed to throw 4 tantrums in a matter of 2 hours!!!  One actually involved the stereotypical laying on the floor, kicking her feet, and shoving things out of her way so she had more room to flail her body!  After 20 minutes of kicking and screaming she finally brought her sweaty little body to me for a breather and a hug!  It’s heartbreaking for a Mama to listen to her baby scream, but at the same time she is learning self-control and appropriate behavior.  By sitting with her so she knows I won’t leave her, but also ignoring the actual behavior she is learning that I’ll always be there for her but that I will not reinforce her inappropriate behavior with attention!  We’ve only tried this tactic for a couple days (and she has since caught her first cold so Mommy is a little more forgiving of negative behavior) so we have yet to learn if this technique will be effective.  All I can say is we know consistency is key, and ALL negative behaviors need twice as long to correct as they took to create!  I figure it took 17 months for her to learn to tantrum…it will take 34 months to correct (putting her at about 4 1/2 years old before she learns appropriate behavior to express frustration…is that a realistic goal?!).

I stood the other night at the side of my baby’s bed and just watched her as she slept.  I found myself weeping as I thought about the many blessings in my life!  I cannot imagine how God saw fit to place this precious child in my life, but I thank Him and praise Him every day for making my dream a reality!  Is Carmen lucky, fortunate, blessed to be a part of our family?  Absolutely NOT!  It is we who are lucky, fortunate, blessed that this dear, sweet baby should find joy and happiness in calling out for Mama and Dada and it being US who answer!!!

What a Difference a Day Makes!!!

Oh…and some much-needed rest:)!

After spending a week transitioning Carmen to 1 nap/day, this week BH and I started transitioning her to the pack n’ play for bedtime. She was using it already for naptime but none of us seemed ready to move her out of the bed overnight. At the start of this week that all changed.

After I wrote the post about how much she sleeps and how “agreeable” she always seems to be, all heck broke loose!!! For whatever reason Carmen absolutely REFUSED to sleep through the move from the rocking chair to the bed! Where once I would give her the bottle, rock her to sleep, and then carry her, completely passed out, to bed, all of a sudden I couldn’t manage to transport her from my lap to the mattress without her waking up and thinking it was playtime! Her eyes would pop open, her head would pop up, and she would grace both BH and me with the widest smile EVER!!! Admittedly, it was SOOO cute and charming, but, in reality, when it’s already 9:30 p.m. and you have now tried to make the move 3 times, it becomes slightly exasperating!!!!

So two decisions were made…1) We would start bedtime just a little earlier thinking perhaps she was getting OVERTIRED (unfortunately her 1 nap/day threw her off her norm for the number of hours she was napping as well as the amount of time between end of nap and start of bedtime) and 2) Rather than rocking her to sleep I would hold her for the bottle and then lay her, still awake, in the pack n’ play for her to put herself to sleep! Out of several different options with decision #2, we first thought that when we were ready to go to sleep we would move Carmen FROM the pack n’ play INTO our bed, so that we would only be changing 1 aspect of bedtime at once. However, after putting her in the pack n’ play we considered the advice of Sie and asked ourselves, “Why would we disturb her sleep just to bring her to bed with us?” So, ultimately we decided we would allow her to sleep in the pack n’ play as long as she didn’t show any signs of distress, at which point we would then bring her to bed with us!

So, Tuesday – Night 1 – We started bedtime at 7:45 p.m., placed Carmen in the pack n’ play at 8:04 p.m. and laid in our bed as we waited for her to go to sleep. I got up a couple times to lay her back down and remind her that it was bedtime, and after 1 hour she finally fell asleep, on her own, without so much as a whimper! She stirred several times through the night, requiring me to get up, pat her back, and let her know we were still there, until finally, at 3:15 a.m., she indicated that she really needed to be in bed with us. I then waited for her to settle down before quietly bringing her to bed. She slept the rest of the morning, peacefully, in our bed, not waking until 8:45 a.m.!

Wednesday – Night 2 – We started bedtime at 7:30 p.m., placed Carmen in the pack n’ play at 7:52 p.m. and laid in our bed as we waited for her to go to sleep (sound familiar?…nothing like creating a routine:)! ). This time we moved the pack n’ play right next to the bed so we made the decision to allow her to stand and move around as she wanted, since she showed the night before that when she was ready she would lay down and go to sleep. Once again, within an hour, she put herself to sleep! Unfortunately the sleeping through the night with little fuss did not repeat itself and I found it necessary to bring her to bed, WHILE crying, at 11:00 p.m. I really thought through the implications of that decision and both BH and I decided that for the next night we would try to help her cry through it for as long as possible before actually bringing her to bed. I was mostly concerned with reinforcing a fear or unhappiness with the pack n’ play moreso than “giving in to her demands”.

Thursday – Night 3 – We started bedtime at 8:30 p.m. (because oddly enough Carmen napped for 3 1/2 hours yesterday…yeah, remember my inconsolable, unhappy child post? Uh huh…apparently she really WAS tired!), placed Carmen in the pack n’ play at 8:54 p.m. and laid in our bed as we waited for her to go to sleep. By 9:45 p.m. her little body finally gave out regardless of the fact that she was actually still SITTING against the side of the pack n’ play!!! We mentally prepared ourselves for any necessary bouts of calming and patting in the pack n’ play before watching Survivor and turning out the lights for as much of our own sleep as possible. Despite that mental prep, an interesting thing happened on the way to this morning…OUR BABY SLEPT!!! She slept until 3:00 a.m. at which point she stood up mildly protesting her location. I quickly but gently laid her back down, covered her with a blanket, and patted her back. After several minutes I stopped patting and just kept the weight of my hand on her back. After several more minutes I removed my numb hand, rolled over and waited. And waited…and waited…and fell asleep…and waited…and fell asleep…and waited! I waited and slept and waited again until 8:00 a.m. this morning!!!! At that point Carmen finally stirred, popped her head up, saw me, smiled, laughed, and stood up as fast as her legs could move her!!!

And the rest is history!!!! She is now just waking from what appears to be another decent nap following a morning of smiles and laughter and just plain comfort and happiness!!!! While I fear speaking too soon, and should probably find some real wood to knock on, it seems as if we might have actually found our groove! I know…I know…it was just one night! And I am already mentally preparing myself for a night more like Wednesday’s. However, ever the eternal optimist that I am, I have my hope that we finally figured out what Carmen needs in order to obtain a GOOD and HEALTHY night’s sleep! We might miss her warm little body between us, but our decisions must always come down to what is best for her, and right now, I must admit that sleeping independently in her own space might very well be what is best for HER!!!

One of Those Days…..

Have you ever had one of those days that you just know you should have stayed in bed?! Well, yesterday was just one of those days….

1) I boiled over some chicken broth and water in preparation to cook some noodles for lunch! In itself that wouldn’t be a horrible thing, but at the same time I was trying to wash dishes AND scoop cookie dough!!! I really didn’t have time to clean up a mess!!!

2) And because I admittedly did not have time to clean up a SMALL mess…I went to put a pan of cookies in the oven and dropped the pan upside-down on the open oven door!!! NOW I HAD A BIG MESS!!!! I had to quickly scrape up the dough before it melted everywhere and baked-on! While cleaning up that mess I had to do all within my power to keep a hungry and tired (thus crying and needing Mommy’s attention) baby from using the open oven door to pull herself up!!!

3) I didn’t really get anything accomplished throughout the day except baking cookies, cleaning up the kitchen, and spending a nice, relaxing afternoon visiting with my BFF, Sie!!! Of course, that seems like a lot and it was all valuable for ME, but if you saw CJ’s and OUR pile of clothes that all need to be folded and put away, and if you saw the stack of bottles that needed washed, and if you knew that I wanted to make HOMEMADE egg noodles but ended up asking BH to stop and buy them at the store instead, and if you saw all the dust bunnies and fur balls accumulating on the floors, and if you saw the ream of cloth waiting to be made into curtains for the playroom, and if you saw Carmen’s scrapbook sitting with only 10 pages completed, and if you saw Carmen’s Adoption Book with only 2 or 3 pages filled-in, and if you saw all the gifts we’ve received in the past few weeks without a single “Thank You” note sent in return then you would understand why I say I didn’t really get anything accomplished!!! Of course that’s all stuff that would take more than a day, so why bother including it on a post titled “One of Those Days”? Because it’s only on “one of those days” that you even bother thinking about and fretting over the many things that need to be done that you just haven’t gotten to yet!!!

And while yesterday was one of those days in which I should have stayed in bed…today was the day Carmen should have stayed in bed!!!! She decided that she would exercise her lungs today through fits of screaming and crying for what seemed to be absolutely no good reason!!! If I so much as looked at her sideways it set her off!!! In fact, both she AND I were quite content to let her do her own thing, for as soon as Mommy got involved all bliss was ended and immediately followed by the kind of ear-piercing shriek that would wake the dead!!!!

I looked at her funny…she screamed!!!

Penny walked away from her…she screamed!!!

I held her…she screamed!!!

I walked away from her…she screamed!!!

I bounced her around and swung her in the air (which she LOVES)…she screamed!!!

I walked toward her…she screamed!!!

I patted her bottom and her back as she screamed so as to make that funny “uh-uh-uh” noise…she screamed LOUDER!!!

I fed her lunch…she wanted what I had, which was the same thing she had so when she realized it…she screamed!!!

I laughed…she cried!!!

I cried…she laughed!!!

I changed her diaper…she bellowed and complained (but did NOT scream)!!!

I cleaned out her nose that was full to overflowing with s-n-o-t because of all the screaming and crying she had done all morning…she screamed (OK…this isn’t unusual as she HATES when I clean out her nose. Can you blame her?)!!!

I fed her a bottle and put her to bed with her blankie…SHE SLEPT (and continues to do so now 2 1/2 hours later…guess the baby was tired, poor thing:( )!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes…these past two days, for both of us, have each been “One of Those Days”……………….

The Hard Thing About Parenting…

I’ll get to that……

But, so far, parenting has been a complete JOY!!! And honestly, not nearly as difficult or surprising or tiring as expected (and warned). I know, I know…she’s only been home 6 weeks! What do I really know about it, right?! Well, this is what I DO know…

Carmen sleeps from 8:30 p.m. to about 7:30 a.m. consistently. There might be a couple bumps in that schedule as she has a restless night here and there, but all in all she averages a straight 11-hour/night sleep schedule. BH and I tend to be slow risers so somewhat dreaded the thought of bouncing out of bed immediately upon waking!!! Much to our surprise, Carmen is very much like us in her slow start. She will often lay in bed playing quietly either with herself or with toys, for nearly 1/2 hour – 45 minutes. Sure, she babbles quietly, and will sometimes pat us to see if we too are awake, but all-in-all she allows us our extra 15 – 30 minutes of “snoozing”.

Carmen is a rather independent baby. When in a good mood more often than not she is quite happy crawling to another part of the house and finding things with which to entertain herself. If she’s not in the mood to be alone, she will find things to do in whatever room we are in. People have asked how we manage to cook dinner or, even, how we prepared for the birthday party. It’s simple…give Carmen a bowl and a spoon, or a container of ice, and she is occupied plenty long enough for us to do what we need to in the kitchen.

Carmen also has a good sense of right and wrong. She already knows which cabinets she is allowed to open for “her toys” and she knows not to go near the dog’s food and water. From day one I have tended to use the word “stop” with a hand motion when she was getting into something she shouldn’t. She has now adopted Mommy’s method, and when approaching something she knows she shouldn’t touch, she turns around, looks at us, puts her hand in the air, and says “-op”, as if to say “Yeah, yeah…I KNOW! You don’t need to say anything!”

Carmen also seems to transition fairly well from busy out-and-about days to quiet days on the homefront. Admittedly, we don’t go out too much, but over the past couple weeks we went a stretch of running here and there almost daily. Regardless, she stuck to her nap schedule and was always ready for bed at the usual time. We even threw her off a little while Grandpa was here with 9:30 p.m. or 10:00 p.m. bedtimes. Even then, she still slept her 11 hours, not waking until closer to 8:30 or 9:00 the next morning.

Carmen loves to eat and will try ANYTHING you put in front of her. So far the most unusual things we have given her have been salmon, avacado, hummus, mashed cauliflower, and rhubarb, all of which she seemed to at least tolerate. She LOVES vegetables, leaning heavily toward tomatoes, cucumbers, and carrots. The things she’s not extremely keen on right now are bread products of just about any sort, chunky mashed potatoes, and (oddly enough) couscous (even though she can’t seem to get ENOUGH noodles:) )!

Carmen is pretty adventurous and tough. She will crawl just about anywhere new or different and should she fall and bump her head more often than not she just pops right back up and carries on with what she was doing. If she DOES bump hard enough to elicit a cry, it usually just takes a quick hug and rub and then setting her back on her way. She responds very well to distraction so if we catch a tumble immediately when it happens we can usually prevent the onset of a cry by just pointing something out or standing her up and brushing her off.

So, with all that I’m sure you are curious why I titled my post “The Hard Thing About Parenting…”. Well, all that stuff I wrote about above…had those things not gone exactly as written, had they been a little harder than they seem to be at this point…I would have been prepared. I probably still would have shared how “easy” parenting is compared to my expectations. That’s because those were the things I thought about before Carmen came home. How will she sleep? How will she eat? What will she like? Will she cry a lot? Will I be able to soothe her when she does? Etc., etc., etc. What I wasn’t prepared for was the idea of grieving the loss of my Mom all over again.

I sat the other night, rocking Carmen and holding her through an unusually difficult bedtime, when I began thinking about all the things I wished I could share with Mommy. I began thinking about how much she would have loved Carmen and how excited she would have been at the idea of Carmen joining our family. I thought of how much fun she would have had buying clothes and toys for Carmen. And about how she very well might have joined us on our trip to bring Carmen home. If not, she would have been at our house within a week of us arriving home and would probably still be here! She would have sent little packages and cards and notes in the mail for her first Grandbaby. She would have been such an amazing Grandma. And I miss that so much. I miss seeing her in that role. And it makes BH and I stop and question why we didn’t make this decision years ago!!! Would it have helped? Or would it just be harder having to experience the pain of losing her while also raising our daughter? I will never be able to answer that question, I know. But right now, while things are so new and exciting, I can say that it’s hard! REALLY hard! Every single day, when Carmen does something silly or funny, I feel a tug at my heart as I long to pick up the phone and call her to tell her about it.  Or when I just need to call and ask her for advice when something just seems too hard for me to do myself.

I think it’s so hard right now because just when I thought I finally reached a point of not looking back, and accepting that Mommy is no longer here, I brought my baby home. And in so doing I dredged up all those thoughts of what it would be like for Mommy to still be with us. It’s so hard…excruciatingly hard…words can hardly do justice to the ache in my heart.

Despite all that pain, I must say, Carmen will NEVER lack in the Grandma department. There are so many people who have stepped up to play that role in her life. And for that BH and I are truly thankful. However, despite the joy all these lovely people bring, it’s also become a reality to me that they will NEVER be able to take the place of the Grandma who is no longer with us. Unfortunately it will never be the same. And once again, that brings me such sadness.

I know with time it might become easier. It’s just that I was so unprepared for this part of parenting! I had no idea that the hardest thing would be feeling and grieving the loss of Mommy all over again……. UGH!!! If I were writing this on paper, the words would be smudged from my tears…………………..

A Weekend of Firsts

Well, this weekend came and went as we celebrated several FIRSTS throughout its duration!!!

1) Carmen’s 1st Birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEET BABY!!! YOU HAVE ALREADY BROUGHT MOMMY AND DADDY MORE JOY THAN THEY EVER IMAGINED POSSIBLE!!!!!)!!!

2) The 1st time we celebrated OUR child’s birthday in our home!!!

3) The 1st time “Grandpa” got to meet his 1st grandchild in person!

4) The 1st time all our family was together in our house since Carmen came home (visitors were limited to 1 family/visit/day until this past Sunday).

5) Our 1st visit to Cabela’s!

6) Our 1st visit to the local Farmer’s Market where Carmen had her 1st taste of Mommy’s favorite “Fish and Chips”!

7) Carmen’s 1st bottles consisting of SOME (not ALL) whole milk rather than formula (I’m pretty sure I just heard Daddy’s wallet breathe a sigh of relief)!

8) Carmen’s 1st time being left by BOTH Mommy and Daddy (mind you, it was for only 10 minutes and it was with someone from church as well as Aunt Sie, who Carmen knows very well and LOVES!!!).

9) The hanging of Carmen’s 1st swing, by both Daddy and Grandpa! She wasn’t too thrilled with her 2nd ride in a swing, but I’m sure that with time she will grow to LOVE it! With the way she enjoys rough-housing and being swung in our arms I’m sure it won’t be long…she just needs to learn to trust the swing the way she trusts us!

10) Carmen’s 1st time hanging out in the yard and crawling around in the grass! Luckily Grandpa had some energy to burn so he cleaned up all the sticks and branches that fell out of the trees over the winter so that Daddy could mow the lawn the next day!

It was a monumental weekend…one we will NEVER forget! We waited what seemed like an eternity to watch as a Sacristan carried our child down the aisle of our church to present her for Baptism. Not only was Grandpa present for the service, but he performed the Baptism alongside our Pastor and Student Pastor. From what we understand, there was barely a dry eye in the house. I’m pretty sure God might have also shed a couple tears of joy! While I sometimes fear pointing out all the THINGS we received since starting this amazing journey will shed a moderately materialistic light on our family, I cannot mention Carmen’s baptism without also sharing how humbled we felt at the many gifts and cards Carmen received from members of our church. We know that there are MANY ways to show someone that you love and cherish them, with money and gifts at the bottom of the list. However, when one expects NOTHING and receives far more than that, it bears mentioning. With that said, many thank yous and expressions of love and gratitude go out to ALL our friends and family as even NOW they continue supporting us in this journey!!!

We also waited a long time to celebrate our child’s first birthday in our home! Trust me when I say it was better than we ever thought possible! Carmen enjoyed the company, the food, her gifts. She dove right into her cupcake, to which I was somewhat chided for the lack of icky, sticky, ooey-gooey messiness (the icing was merely a piece of chocolate melted on top and then spread, which meant upon cooling it basically hardened back into a chocolate bar). We made up for that by presenting her with her very own slice of ice cream cake, plopped right down, directly on the tray of her “eat seat”. It didn’t take long for the ice cream cake to end up all over her hands, on her face, and most importantly…IN HER HAIR!!! Have I ever mentioned that “I don’t do sticky!!!!” UGH!!!!!!! But, being the good Mommy I am I let her make as much of a mess as she wanted (and then left the icky, sticky, ooey-gooey “eat seat” tray for Grandpa and Aunt Sie!!!)!

Needless to say, we had a wonderful and eventful weekend! And as promised (and without further ado) I wish to share some of my favorite pictures with my dedicated readers (not all are from this past weekend, but included are some of my favorites since Carmen came home)!!!

Looking forward to my next opportunity to show off pictures of my beautiful baby!!! Until then, I hope this holds you over!!!

God Bless you all!!! Love ya!!!!!!!!

The Moment I Had Been Waiting For

Adoptive parents sometimes refer to a particular “moment” – that point in time when something just clicks and you finally feel that this child you waited so long to welcome into your home is finally YOUR child.  I had been feeling a little sad that I had yet to experience this so-called “moment”.  Of course not that I was pushing for it or looking for it.  I knew that it would just HAPPEN and when it did I would recognize it for what it was.

Well, let me just say…the moment I had been waiting for finally happened.  It happened last night…exactly  3 weeks after my daughter was placed in my arms FOREVER and let me just say, it was a moment that I will remember for the rest of my life!!!

I was doing our nightly bedtime ritual (BH does the diaper changing and puts on the PJ’s while I ready the bedroom. I then give Carmen a bottle and rock her until she falls asleep, and then gently place her into our bed for the night). Up until last night I had still felt a little bit like our bedtime routine was a bit of a “chore”…just something that needed to be done but never actually felt that there was any real ATTACHMENT going on. We had had a few rough bedtimes in our first days home so it never really took on the meaning I hoped it would, but rather was a bit sad and difficult for me. I don’t think that I had yet allowed myself to REALLY let go and say “This is it. We’re done and OUR daughter is home, FOREVER!!!” I became too focused on how every little cry must be a sign of grieving, which in turn was difficult for me to deal with. I also allowed the nagging feeling that this isn’t really REAL haunt me, making it difficult to allow myself to feel too close to Carmen for fear that this dream would be taken away somehow.

So, all that to say…my moment finally occurred last night during the time that I most feel like I’m just doing an “attachment chore”. Carmen finished sucking down her bottle (which she can do in about 3 1/2 minutes – FLAT). Usually she just looks around the room, occasionally will make eye contact with me, and then continues looking around the room and clapping her hands until she just cannot keep her eyes open any longer. Well, last night, about 5 minutes after her bottle her eyes locked with mine and she didn’t look away. We stared into each other’s eyes for about 45 seconds, before she finally gave me the cutest, sweetest grin I’ve ever seen in my life! It was as if to say “Hi Mommy. Things are all good!” Immediately tears began streaming down my face. She just continued looking at me and reaching up to touch my face and my tears. I just couldn’t stop crying!

You know, when our SW asked us at our first post-placement visit if we felt like she was our daughter of course our answers were an emphatic YES!!! She has felt like our daughter since the first moment we laid eyes on her in May 2007. BUT, last night I was finally able to look at her and not just say “Yes, this is my daughter,” but I was able to add “Yes, I am your Mommy!”

Baby Brain in Full Swing!!!

After that long, somewhat deep and dreadful post, I thought I would lighten things up with few anecdotes from this past weekend!

1) BH asked me to pour some soda in his glass, which was sitting next to a bowl of Cheez-Its he was munching on! Of course I NEARLY poured the soda in his bowl of Cheez-Its but quickly stopped myself before sending his little baked cheese crackers for a swim!

2) About 1 hour later BH yelled down the stairs to me…”Hey, you wanna hear a good case of baby brain?! I just poured my soda into the bowl I had my Cheez-Its in!!!” I literally LOLed and shared with him that I nearly did the same exact thing!!!

3) Just a little while after that I was sitting down eating a bowl of cereal. I brought the spoon of COLD cereal to my mouth and BLEW ON IT before eating it!!!!! YUP…one must always be cautious of filling one’s mouth with a spoonful of COLD cereal!!! I nearly spit my cereal out on BH once I realized what I had just done!!!

YUP…we’ve totally lost it in this household!!! Call the men with the white coats! Does it get any better once the baby comes home?! I pray it does cuz I’m not sure how it could possibly get any worse!!!

One last final story…

I was working on trying to get some music out of a cabinet at Church on Sunday! I was sitting on the floor moving folders around. Just as I was putting the folders back and getting ready to close the cabinet I felt a horrible KONK on my head! Turns out the tape recorder, which was sitting on the top shelf, fell out and landed on my head!!! HOLY CROW…Did that hurt!!!! Immediately tears welled up in my eyes but I knew I needed to compose myself and get up to the choir loft before the service started! Had it not been for THAT, I probably would have just sat there and cried, it hurt so bad!!!! I also had visions of suffering a concussion and not being able to fly to Guatemala so I sat through all of Church analyzing whether it seemed my pupils were dilated or vision blurried, and trying to determine if it was just jitterbugs in my stomach or if I was nauseous! Turns out that I think all was fine, as eventually my headache dissipated and I determined that the funny feeling in my stomach really WAS nervous jitterbugs!!! Plus, I slept pretty well last night. Oh, and more importantly…I WOKE UP THIS MORNING!!!!!!!!!!!

Now What?!

*Author’s Note: Please disregard the jumble of thoughts that are about to spew forth on this page! My mind is racing a million miles a minute and for the sake of giving you a true glimpse into how I am feeling I will allow myself to share my thoughts as they emerge!

The house is clean, the shopping done (for the most part:) ), Carmen’s suitcase and the gift suitcase are both packed…now what?! It’s Monday and I still have 2 days till I leave. Actually, EXACTLY 48 hours till I step out my door for the very last time without my daughter being a living, breathing, tangible part of my life! It’s such an immense feeling! Almost an unbearable feeling! Overwhelming, if I’m being honest! I really imagined us working our tails off until the very last second with my first breath and real thoughts about nearing the end of this process taking place on an airplane as we depart for Guatemala! But luck would have it that both BH and Sie had different plans in mind! And following their lead we are now done, and here I sit, writing out some of my final thoughts!

Although it’s freezing in my house my palms and feet are sweaty, my heart is about to beat right out of my chest, jitterbugs are doing somersaults in my stomach, and this morning alone I’ve already cried tears of anxiety AND joy! This is IT!!! My last day alone in my house for the rest of my life! We are fast approaching the day I’ve dreamed about all my life!

My arms ache and long to hold her! My heart is exploding with a love that needs to be shared yet is STILL waiting for the one it longs to share that love with in its life. My brain keeps playing tricks on the rest of my body as it waits to finally KNOW what will happen next! This entire process has revolved around thoughts, feelings, emotions, “what-ifs”, maybes, oh nos, can it be trues?, you’ve got to be kidding mes!, prayers, and predictions. But nothing has ever been as final and resolute as it all seems NOW! We have a date, a goal, a light at the end of the tunnel. Yet my brain will not allow me to FEEL the joy of knowing that we are nearing the end! Oh…my heart so LONGS to feel that joy, but my stinkin brain, full of the “what-ifs”, the doubts, the fears…IT is taking over and until that baby is placed in my arms and I am told that I may take her home, my brain will continue on this path!

And I hate that! I don’t WANT to feel this way! I want to be filled with joy! And don’t get me wrong…there are waves of joy and excitement! MANY waves! But they don’t last! They are just that! Waves! They rush in, flood me with emotion, and then immediately are sucked back out by the next impending wave! I DO believe as the days wane and the day of departure quickly approaches that the tide will rise, lessening the time between waves and eventually allowing the excitement to finally linger! Until then, I will continue experiencing the euphoria of the waves crashing into me followed by the fear and anxiety that is left in their wake.

So, the title of this post begs the question “Now what?!” What’s next? My house is clean, Penny is at my SIL’s, Carmen’s stuff is packed, gifts are packed! What remains to be done? Well, there ARE a couple things I could busy myself with today, if I felt so inclined! The linen closet COULD be cleaned out and organized so there is plenty of room for Carmen’s towels, wash cloths, and bath toys. The pantry COULD be cleaned out so we know what food we have for our return and to make space for all the “baby” food we have on hand! We decided to take a gift down for O, Carmen’s natural Mom, in hopes that if we are NOT able to meet her our agency or our attorney can at least get something to her. That means I NEED to run out and find a gift for her…some lotion, a bracelet, a photo album with some pictures of Carmen…just not quite sure about that yet, but we really WANT to do something for her just so she knows our desire to keep the lines of communication open. If I get her a photo album that means I NEED to choose pictures to have printed to include in the album! I NEED to write our translated letter in the Spanish Bible we got for N, Carmen’s Foster Mami. I COULD run the vacuum cleaner through the house once more to get up all the newly created dust bunnies and fur balls left by the animals in these few short days since all that was already done (yes…the price of keeping shedding animals in the house)! We NEED to pack our OWN suitcases, which ultimately should not be too hard, compared to packing Carmen’s! We KNOW what we need, and it isn’t much! What we REALLY need is already IN Guatemala, waiting for us! If I have nothing else but the clothes on my back then so be it! I NEED to empty the dishwasher and straighten the kitchen and make sure the cats have plenty of food and water (although it’s not a HUGE concern because Sie will be stopping in occasionally to check on them…I think…did I remember to even ASK? Or did I just assume…Oh stink, something else to add to my list). I NEED to ask Sie if she and/or E are willing to stop in occasionally to check on the cats! I NEED to change the sheets on our bed so they are nice and clean when we arrive home with Carmen, who will be co-sleeping with us! I COULD run my coat/jacket through the washer, since I think that’s the ONLY item of laundry, including sheets, towels, furniture covers, curtains, etc., that hasn’t been washed in the last 2 weeks! I NEED to do a small amount of grocery shopping so we have plenty of things to eat without having to go out shopping right after we get home. We NEED to run to our local candy shop to pick-up some candy for gifts (we went on Saturday but due to some pretty nasty wind blowing trees down, the power was out and the candy shop closed!). I NEED to hang fresh bath towels and hand towels in all the bathrooms! I honestly think that might be it! Much of this list probably won’t be done until last thing tomorrow night! The rest I will occasionally do throughout the day today and tomorrow! Of course, on this list, the only things that MUST be done (despite all my NEEDs vs. COULDs) is the chocolate run and the gift run for O. Everything else can just BE.

For those who know me I would imagine it’s a bit of an understatement to admit that I’m a bit anal and hate to think of leaving ANYTHING unfinished, but the most important tasks have been done, and these final couple days really need to be spent in quiet, spiritual reflection as I think about how my life will change and as I praise God for the many blessings He has bestowed in my life! This past year and a half, since starting the process to bring Carmen home, has been indescribable and unforgettable! The ups…the downs…the highs…the lows! Visiting my daughter and spending a week with her…how I cannot express the joy that journey brought! And even moreso the opportunity to have shared that time with BH AND my dearest Sie! The elation over our first KO and immediate resubmission to PGN because we thought it meant things were moving quicker than ever anticipated! The pain and heartache over our 2nd KO, knowing it would take over 2 months before we could even begin our PGN countdown again! The thrill of receiving monthly photos that we could print and hang in the house, making this process just a little more bearable! The fear of a looming year-end deadline and what that would mean for families already in the process of bringing their little ones home! The two most surreal moments when the phone rang, once to tell us that a baby was ready and waiting for us, the second time to tell us that Guatemala had finally approved for us to soon come down and take that baby home!!! The anguish of following other families in this process who undoubtedly face the same if not worse obstacles than our own…families who I have grown to love and care for as if I’ve known them all my life, yet, in reality, have only known them, mostly only through the internet, for a year! The relief of finally receiving that notice telling us when we should appear, with OUR daughter, before the US Embassy in order to obtain her VISA! The sadness at knowing that while our journey is coming to an end, so many of my friends are still in the heat of this process, waiting…waiting…waiting for that moment when they too can finally let out a breath and begin to shed some tears of joy, rather than tears of pain! The exhilaration AND anxiety of knowing that in a few short days Carmen will be placed in my arms by the only woman she has ever known and loved as her Mami!!!! The fear and pain of knowing that in my joy there is also grief and sadness. Grief experienced by O, by N and her family, and most importantly by Carmen! The pain of knowing that for a brief period I will be the CAUSE of that grief! And finally the joy and relief of knowing that I will then be the one comforting Carmen and supporting her as she works through the grief she experiences as a result of her loss.

To all our family and friends, both new and old, THANK YOU, from the bottom of our hearts for the many prayers and kind words sent our way! We know, without a shadow of a doubt, that were it not for YOU we would not be where we are today, both physically AND emotionally! Your support of us and the love you already feel for Carmen will never be forgotten! It will live in our hearts and will be transferred to Carmen’s heart for as long as we have the breath to share it! And to all my dear friends still waiting, YOU will also be remembered! Just because our journey is drawing to a close does not mean that you will be forgotten! My prayers will continue daily for you, as I stand next to you rejoicing in the wonderful news and banging my fists at the discouraging news! You, my friends, have been my rock and I pray that I too can be the rock you need when you feel that you are sinking!

Are We Done Yet?!

When I posted about our OUT I listed several things we needed to do to prepare for Carmen’s arrival. I just thought I would share with you those things that we have accomplished these past couple weeks.

“We have gifts to buy” – CHECK – Foster Family: Spanish Bible engraved with FM’s name, quilted pot holders, hot pad, and apron, picture frame filled with photos, pocket knife for FD, Phillies hats for the boys, pocket books filled with cute socks and B&BW lotions and lip gloss for the girls, and a 1000 piece puzzle for all the kids to do together; Attorney: Picture frame coasters (1 filled with a picture of Carmen, the others left empty to fill as he chooses) and a Wind Chime; Facilitator: Butterfly Throw; Agency workers in Guatemala (specifically O & K): Picture frame filled with photos and a Wind Chime; Agency (group gift): Quilted bag filled with B&BW lotions and lip gloss, local merchandise specifically manufactured in or representative of the area in which we live. The only thing left to purchase is several boxes of candy to include in the bag for the Agency staff, and to use for miscellaneous gifts should we have forgotten anyone.

“Curtains to make” – CHECK –

Not too shabby, if I do say so myself! Especially for my FIRST ever REAL sewing project!!! Many thanks to Grandma Kathy for the tips she offered in turning the ties right side out after sewing them inside out, as instructed! It took 1 1/2 hours to do just 4, but after her help I finished the last 20 ties in about 30 minutes!!!

“A toy shelf/closet to ‘build'” – CHECK –

In a desperate attempt to keep toys in 1 place (yeah, yeah, yeah…go ahead and laugh! It IS important to set goals, right?!) we turned the closet in the reading/play room into a toy closet! BH built shelves and installed them and we bought most, if not all, the storage containers you see at IKEA!

“Floors to clean” – IN PROCESS – This is the hardest and most time consuming chore on the list and is being worked on in stages. Yesterday I vacuumed the living and dining rooms, moved all the furniture to 1 side, mopped 1/2, and then BH took over and finished mopping the rest! Now we need only shampoo the rugs that belong in both rooms before moving the furniture back to it’s rightful place. Today will consist of vacuuming and mopping the hallway and cleaning the furniture in the family room in preparation for shampooing the carpet!

“Windows to wash” – CHECK

“Packing to do” – IN PROCESS – We packed the gifts and laid out the clothes we intend to pack for Carmen. It’s amazing how much stuff a baby we won’t even be traveling DOWN with can need!!!

“Cabinets and outlets to baby-proof” – CHECK – And might I throw in a plug for one of our favorite stores – IKEA, where we purchased the cabinet locks. Unlike any cabinet locks I’ve ever seen before, the IKEA brand safety locks are designed so when the drawer is pulled open and the lock catches, the drawer then cannot be pushed back either. Now, not only is baby protected from getting the drawer or cabinet completely open, she is also saved from pinching her fingers as the drawer bounces back off the lock. You go, IKEA…ingenious, I say!!! INGENIOUS!!!

“Baby necessities to buy” – CHECK (for the most part – of course every day I think of something else we need) – BUT, the necessities are done! And upon notification of our Embassy date, BH got to FINALLY install the carseat as his reward! Ladies and gentlemen, I would be happy to hire BH out as a professional carseat installer for a mere $100/1/2 hour!!! I have never seen anyone install a carseat as tightly and securely as he manages each and every time, and without any gadgets!!!!!! Who needs gadgets when you have Superman as your BH?!

Amidst all the cleaning and running around I have also discovered the following chores that also need to be completed:

Scrub the bathtub/shower; Laundry.

I guess that’s not too bad. I’m sure that list will grow as I continue through my week. But for now, everything seems to be going fairly smoothly. So much so that I might even dare say that we are “ahead of schedule?”! SSSSssshhhhh!!!! I better not say that too loud! I’m sure something will happen in the next day or 2 to put us behind, but for now I’m feeling pretty good about where we are at!

Oh…and might I also add that much of the chores that have been accomplished so far, that were NOT included in my original list of tasks, have been completed with the ever-so-wonderful help of Sie, who continues to come to the rescue at every turn!!! Lucky her was faced with what might have been the NASTIEST jobs in the house…cleaning out the fridge and washing the ceiling fan! Of course washing the ceiling fan turned into a bigger job, as she then turned to washing the ceiling, which led to washing the walls, which led to washing the windows!!! I must admit, I’m not sure our kitchen has shined this bright since we first moved in, 9 years ago!!! BH even commented that he no longer thinks we need to paint!!!! HAH!!! It’s amazing what a little soap, water, and lots of ELBOW GREASE can do for a kitchen!!! Aside from subjecting her to the nasty jobs, Sie’s most important role in helping out is to keep me company and keep me on task, to which she does both EXTREMELY well!!! Since she’s coming back tomorrow to help out, and since she’s proven to take her nasty chores so seriously, perhaps I’ll set her loose in the bathtub!!! LOL…just kidding, Sie!!!

So, it’s off to continue my chores! Hopefully the next time I post it will be a “WE’RE HOME” post with lots of stories to tell and pictures to post (of which I’ve never really done, so perhaps it will give my readers something to look forward to!!!)! Thank you for the many thoughts and prayers you have sent our way these past few months! They have certainly been felt and GREATLY appreciated!