A Different Kind of Wait

So, we got Carmen’s 2-month pictures and her DNA results.  What more could we ask for, right?  Well, nothing really.  So weren’t we totally surprised when we received her 3-month photos AND medical update this past Monday?!  As one would expect, our dear sweet Carmen is quite healthy and is doing well!  She gained 3.7 lbs and grew 3 cm in just over a month!  Her pictures were AWESOME!  She showed us her beautiful smile and we also saw evidence that she received her first “Ziplock of Love”!

So, I bet you are wondering what we could possibly be waiting for now, right?  Well, let’s see…1) we don’t REALLY know if the interview with Carmen’s birthmom actually took place the same day as the DNA test; 2) we don’t REALLY know if we even entered Family Court yet; 3) we have about a 60-day wait for “Pre-Approval”; 4) we must wait to enter ”PGN”; 5) we must wait to EXIT “PGN”; 6) we’re STILL waiting for that video; etc., etc., etc.

But, while there might seem to be no end in sight for all the steps listed above I really can’t say that I care.  You see, with notarization of her DNA results we officially have the OK to go visit our daughter!  And there’s NO holding us back!  We’ve got the date set, the flights and hotel room booked, and a list started of what we need to take.  We put ourselves on the list to return the favor that 2 other families did for us…deliver Ziplocks of Love…and already we have 4 families planning to send us Ziplocks for their babies!

As I write so often, words cannot express the joy and excitement BH and I are experiencing!  And we feel so honored to share that joy and excitement with our dear friend (Sie), who will be accompanying us on the journey to see our daughter for the first time!  I am sure that I will shed an enormous amount of tears (judging by my reaction to receiving DNA results I can guarantee this won’t be pretty) and I cannot think of 2 people I would rather have by my side during such a moment than BH and Sie!  Both were with me during the other most emotional time in my life and both will be with me on this very special day!  What a blessing that God has placed both of them in my life!

So you see…it IS a different kind of wait!  One that will not last long and I KNOW will come to an end!  I WILL see my daughter and hold her!  I WILL kiss her cheeks and her toes and her nose and her eyes!  I WILL sing to her and read to her and rock with her!  I WILL listen to her as she falls asleep next to me!  I WILL hold her when she cries!  I WILL feed her and bathe her and dress her and swim with her!  I WILL, I WILL, I WILL…..

July 11th-A Bittersweet Day

OK…so, as many of you know by now we have experienced quite a bit of excitement over the past couple weeks!  I have not done a terribly good job at keeping up with my posts, but at least I can always count on BH to fill you all in on the goings-on in our lives!  But, for personal record- keeping sake, allow me to share with you my own reactions to our exciting news!!!!

AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!  WOOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!  YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Ah…much better!  Just in case you were wondering I am equally, if not more excited than BH about all that has happened over the last few weeks!

First, we were feeling quite discouraged about not receiving any new pics of Carmen since our referral.  So, after sending an e-mail to our SW asking about new pics and/or our highly anticipated video we received a response from her that included 4 additional e-mails of pictures!  We were absolutely thrilled and began immediately sending them around to everyone we could think of since so many other people were just as anxious to see how she had changed. 

Then, around 6:00 p.m. on the same day I decided to head upstairs to do a little cleaning.  As I opened the front door to go out and check the mail a manilla envelope landed at my feet!!!  I picked it up and looked at the return address and saw that it was from our agency.  Thinking it was merely a receipt for the last payment we sent in I didn’t open the envelope with too much fanfare.  But then the words “genetic” caught my eyes and I totally flipped out!!!  I mean 100% totally bonkers!  I pulled those papers out of the envelope to confirm that I did in fact hold in my hands the results of Carmen’s DNA test!  HOLY COW!!!!  We didn’t even know the test had been scheduled let alone performed!!!!  I picked up the phone and called BH to tell him that he needed to go back and get our Diet Limeades from Sonic!  But wouldn’t you know…he didn’t answer his phone!  I called and I called!  I finally left a message telling him to call me as soon as he got the message.  Also, thinking maybe his phone wasn’t ringing but an e-mail might vibrate I sent him an e-mail simply stating, “YOU NEED TO CALL ME NOW!!!!!!!”  Within a couple minutes the phone rang and I knew it was him.  Now, keep in mind that up until now, aside from a little shaking and running from one end of the house to the other, I was moderately composed.  As soon as I heard his voice I burst into tears.  I mean hysterical, sobbing tears!  I hollered into the phone that we received Carmen’s DNA results, but I don’t even think he knew what I had just said.  I’m not sure if it was shock or if he just couldn’t understand me through the tears!  Needless to say I had to repeat it! 

Words cannot express how we both felt the rest of that evening.  July 11th will go down as one of the best days of my life!  I know it wasn’t a huge milestone but to me it was progress!  Just another step down on the 38-item timeline! 

As I laid in bed that night (or should I say the next morning?) thinking about the day, tears streamed down my face!  Pictures of my daughter kept entering my mind and the thought of soon holding Carmen in my arms suddenly became a reality!  Not that I didn’t think so before, but it finally hit home THAT night…I AM A MOMMY!!!  She may not be with me right now but she is my daughter and I am her Mommy! 

But you know…that night I also shed tears for Carmen’s birthmom, as I thought about the pain she must have felt holding her daughter, for what might have been the last time!  In the same single moment I became a Mommy while she said goodbye to her baby!  It breaks my heart to think of all the mothers out there who have no choice but to break that maternal bond and do what they feel is best for their child!  It’s so hard to say that I feel grateful to her because of the reward I reap from her pain, but you know what…I do!  But Carmen’s mother did not choose to place her for adoption so that I might have a child…she did so for Carmen.  And it would NEVER be fitting for me to express my gratitude to her.  Empathy for her pain and sorrow…perhaps, but gratitude?  NEVER!  Expressing gratitude to her for such an act demeans her sacrifice.  It takes away from the REAL reason that I will have Carmen in my life!  We can say it was meant to be or God had a plan for Carmen and for BH and me all along.  But in so doing we are also saying that God intended for Carmen and her mother to experience the pain of loss and I just cannot believe that is true!  My God is one of love and compassion!  He does not cause pain or anguish.  However, in that compassion I do believe that when we experience pain He is there to help us through it and to heal our empty and broken hearts.  On this night I pray that Carmen’s mother feels God’s love and His touch and that she would know that He is there for her and weeps with her as she faces this most difficult time in her life!

The Wait Poem by Russel Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cred; Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.  I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate…and the Master so gently said, “Wait.”

“Wait?  You say wait?” my indignant reply.  “Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!  Is Your hand shortened?  Or have You not heard?  By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming Your word.

My future and all to which I relate hangs in the balance and You tell me to “Wait?”  I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign.  Or even a ‘no’, to which I’ll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, We need but to ask, and we shall receive.  Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:  I’m weary of asking!  I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate as my Master replied again, “Wait.”  So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, and grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…for what?”

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine…and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.  I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.  I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.  You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.  You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint.  You’d not know the Power that I give to the faint.

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair; you’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.  You’d not know the joy of resting in Me when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You’d never experience the fullness of love when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.  You would know that I give, and I save, for a start, but you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night, the faith that I give when you walk without sight.  The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask from an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You’d never know should your pain quickly flee, what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.  Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true, but oh, the loss if I lost what I’m doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see that the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me.  And though oft My answers seem terribly late, My most precious answer of all is still ‘WAIT’.”

Celebrating Our Independence

In case anyone doesn’t know this about me, I absolutely LOVE Independence Day!  To me, it is a close third to Christmas and Easter!  It is the one and only non-religiously based holiday that incites the same emotion and excitement in me as those religious holidays!  And honestly, it’s for very much the same reasons that we celebrate Independence Day.  Rather than the birth of Christ, we celebrate the Birth of our Nation.  Rather than thanking God for sacrificing His son so that we might live, we thank Him for the sacrifices made by our Founding Fathers so that we might live in freedom.  Many men, and even women and children fought and died for an idea which they truly believed!  They followed their hearts and they followed their God!  They wanted to live in a country not governed by royalty or the church, but rather run by the very people that live in it and make it prosper.  They wanted an opportunity to worship as they pleased and to write and say the things that were on their minds regardless of “popular opinion”.  They did not want to live in fear for making their voices heard or their opinions known.

It was not an easy road to gaining Independence.  After all, as the saying goes, Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492.  Our Declaration of Independence was not adopted and signed until 1776.  It took 284 years of blood, sweat, and tears for our nation to finally declare itself independent from Great Britain!  No, we didn’t actually fight a “war” during those 284 years but the pain and heartache of leaving that which feels safe and comfortable in order to stand up for that which one believes requires faith and courage, patience and diligence.  Many people died during those 284 years and after as they tried to build a new nation in which to live and then fought to defend the freedoms they worked so hard to establish!  Without each and every one of those people, we would not be living in and enjoying the freedoms we have today!  And for that I extend a proud and prayerful thanks to God for leading our first settlers AND our Founding Fathers on that journey to Independence so many years ago!

Still Waiting…

As many of you probably already know, BH and I received word last week that we got DNA Authorization.  This is just another step up the ladder to bringing Carmen home.  We now wait for the actual DNA test and the Family Court interviews with the Foster Family and Birthmom.  Once those are done we wait to enter the next step, which is Pre-Approval.  That can take up to 60 days so we won’t be looking for too much else in the next several weeks besides pictures and/or a video.

Speaking of which…we’re STILL waiting!  We have not gotten any new pictures since the referral and we are now 11 days from 2 months since our referral, which means a video should be coming any day!  We’re so close to getting that video that I almost had a heart attack when I looked out my front door and saw the UPS truck parked out front!  But to no avail…he was not delivering anything to OUR door!

And let me just tell you what kind of trouble BH got into this past weekend!  While his brother and SIL were visiting he ran out to check the mail.  He came back in holding a rectangular package, with a return address from our agency, over his head.  I was so excited and overwhelmed at the thought that Carmen’s Godparents were at our house to witness and share in this memorable moment!  I tore into that package as if there were no tomorrow and gasped as I pulled out an envelope (surely containing the photos we had been waiting for) and several…DVD’s????  What?  Did our agency suddenly go hi-tech on us and put footage of our daughter on a DVD?  No one else that we correspond with mentioned getting their “video” on DVD!  In fact most people post questions about how to copy a videotape onto a CD or DVD!  How could we be so lucky?  Ah…but that’s only the first part of my story.  You see, a few days prior BH ordered some videos from our agency for us to show at our Guatemala night at church.  In his excitement over thinking we had gotten our video this pertinent information slipped his mind!  Of course he remembered as soon as he saw the DVD’s.  But only after his dear wife and SIL nearly had heart attacks from the excitement!  Ooooo!!!!  If looks could kill BH would no longer be with us!  And for the rest of the evening all I could say when I looked at him was “you stink”!

So, alas…we still wait.  At least we continue getting news that proves our case is still moving forward!  It will be another day of celebration when we hear that the DNA test and interviews were conducted!  And when we finally get those pictures and/or video I promise we will share them with all of you (after we lower ourselves from “Cloud 9″ that is)!!!!

Top Ten Joys

So…in the past hour and a half I’ve had a pity party, explained to you what my blogging plans are for the upcoming months, and shared some of my thoughts about thanking God for the many blessings in my life!  Now, I would like to share with you the Top Ten joys in my life…

• 10. I live in a country where I am free to say what I want, go to church where I want, and read and write what I want.  I have 3 nephews who have joined our Nation’s finest in the fight to protect our country and our freedom.  I know and am related to countless other men and women who either currently or at some time in their life volunteered to serve our country.  I am honored to live in a country where so many young soldiers have willingly and valiantly given their lives so that all those whom I know and love may be free!
• 9. I am able to stay home and begin preparing for Carmen’s arrival.  I am also able to cook and clean AND spend time nurturing my friendships.
• 8. I have a wonderful house and yard that are both perfect for raising a family.
• 7. I have 2 cats and a dog that I absolutely adore.  They always seem to know when I need a little cheering up.  Ellie is a people-”person” and just loves to be the center of attention, Pebbles is so grumpy it’s comical, and Penny is…well, what can I say?  She’s “man’s (and woman’s) best friend”!  Some of BH’s and my best moments as a family involve one or more of our pets!  I am so thankful they are a part of my life (and I would imagine THEY are thankful to be a part of MY life…spoiled rotten as they are….).
• 6. I have a beautiful daughter waiting in Guatemala for me!  Words cannot even express the joy I feel when I think of her!
• 5. I have a church family that is caring and supportive.  They share in my joys and my pain.  They are there for me when I need them, both physically and spiritually.  They show me love and compassion.  They applaud my strengths and ignore my weaknesses.  They don’t ask me to change in order to meet their expectations, but rather accept me for who I am.
• 4. I have a very intimate group of friends who I would trust with my life!  They have stood by me through thick and thin, always there to offer a hug or provide a laugh!  They know what to say to make me feel better and they know when to say nothing at all!  My friends are there to hold me up when I no longer have the strength to hold myself up!  They have been with me through good times and bad and have proven how deep their love and loyalty flows!
• 3. I have a large, loving family who is always there and supportive of everything BH and I do!  Daddy is caring, compassionate, and faithful.  He has taught me everything I know about living life in a way that is pleasing to God.  And I married into a family who welcomed me with open arms!  As I exchanged wedding vows I became part of a family that included 6 beautiful sisters, 6 kind-hearted brothers, and dozens of aunts, uncles, nephews, and cousins.  I could not ask for 2 better families in which to raise our daughter!
• 2. I have a loving husband who stands by me through thick and thin, for better or worse, in good times AND in bad.  He knows when to make me laugh and when to let me cry.  He listens to me even when all he wants is a little peace and quiet.  He forgives me when I make mistakes and when I take my anger and frustration out on him.  He loves me for who I am.  He expects nothing more from me than what I am able to give.
• 1. I have a God who created me out of love and compassion.  He sent His son to Earth so that He might spread His Father’s message and then take upon Himself the pain and suffering caused by MY sins!  My God knows me and loves me and forgives me no matter how many times I fail.  He never turns His back on me regardless of how many times I turn my back on Him.  And without fail He is there to welcome me back when my faith returns and I realize that I have been lost without Him.

So, there it is…my life truly IS full of joy!  On those days when I feel discouraged, thinking that nothing is going my way or that I just CAN’T take another day of waiting, I will come back to this post and remind myself of the many joys and blessings in my life!  And then I will take a moment to thank God for each and every one of them!

A “Manger of Blessing”

I must admit that I live a truly blessed and happy life.  Unfortunately I so rarely take time to stop and think about all my blessings and more importantly to then thank God for bestowing His blessings upon me.  I tend to take the blessings in my life for granted…as good things that just happen!  They are GREAT!  I love it when they happen.  However, even though I truly know, in my heart, Who is responsible, I neglect my responsibility to thank Him.  I think to myself, “Aw, gee…God knows I appreciate what He does for me.  He doesn’t need ME to give Him a pat on the back for all the great things He has done.  Just the fact that I exist and strive to live according to His plan is good enough for Him, right?”  WRONG……

In the beginning of the year our church’s Sunday School placed a “Manger of Blessings” at the back of the sanctuary with a basket of straw sitting next to it.  They asked that through the year we all place a single piece of straw in the cradle for each blessing we receive through the week.  Their hope is that by Christmas there will be enough straw in the “manger” to lay our greatest blessing of all…Jesus!  It is an awesome idea…one that causes us to constantly think about the many blessings in our lives. 

Although I have not been extremely diligent at actually placing straw in the manger, I am at least reminded each week to think of the many blessings I received from God!  I take time during prayer to not only petition for His guidance and support, but to also thank Him for the gifts He has given.  What I once might have considered a small “favor” I now view as an awesome gift sent especially for me from my Father.  I have learned that nothing is ever so small that we should look past God as THE Provider!

Not As Patient As I Thought

OK…so now that I’ve written a boo-hoo, poor me, pity party post I figured I ought to take a couple minutes to write a more upbeat, happy post!  After all, I DID title my blog “Joy, Patience, and Faith“.  As I read back through some of my earlier posts I have come to realize that most, if not all of them relate only to patience and my lack thereof (I guess Daddy had it right when he questioned “since when” have I been a patient person who loves nothing more than to wait…love you, Daddy)!  I guess, during these next few months, as the waiting game gets a little longer, I will need to take some time to share more of my thoughts surrounding joy and faith.  So, here it begins…

Blah…

Well, it’s 2:30 a.m. and here I sit at my computer preparing to write this and possibly a couple more posts!  I CANNOT sleep tonight!  It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this way but tonight I laid in bed for approximately 45 minutes without even closing my eyes!  I just had to get up!  BH was snoring, our cat, Ellie, was pressed up against my back snoring, and our dog, Penny, was at the foot of the bed dreaming, thus barking and squeaking in her sleep!  So, while everyone else in bed seemed to be enjoying their sleep I was laying there, eyes wide open, wondering if and when I would join them.  I finally decided that between all their noises and my own brain reeling there was no way I was going to fall asleep anytime soon.  So, here I am…

Why you might ask, am I not sleeping?  Well, it’s simple…I’m having another temper tantrum.  Seems to me, since it worked so well last time, I might as well give it another go!  As BH posted on his blog, we received a medical update about Carmen last Thursday!  It was a wonderful update and we were so pleased to see that she is healthy and growing.  The only problem is that, in following other family’s timelines and posts, we have become accustomed to reading about new photos arriving either the same day or just a couple days after the medical updates.  Additionally, we were also told to expect a video of Carmen within 2 months following the referral.  Well, as you can imagine we have gotten neither photos nor a video.  Now, granted, it has only been 1 month since the referral but since Carmen was at the doctor for her 2-month WBC (well baby check) and then in the Bethany office to drop off the medical report we assumed a video and photos would have been taken.  Of course, not having the video yet would be somewhat understandable, as it is sent through “snail mail” and could probably take up to 1-2 weeks to arrive from Guatemala.  But the pictures typically would be sent through e-mail.  We received the medical update the same day as the appointment via e-mail so I just cannot imagine why we would not have received pictures yet, except for the fact that they might not have been taken!  I know we were told to only EXPECT 1 set of photos between referral and pick-up so I really cannot complain or be unhappy if we don’t receive pictures anytime soon!  But I sure can have a nice big ol’ pity party and do some serious sulking!  As BH says, we need evidence that our dear, sweet Carmen has a left ear, eyeballs, and tootsies!  I’m sure they would have indicated such information in her medical report but until we see with our own eyes it will be a nagging question! 

I think I might just go on a sleep strike!  No more sleep until I have new photos and/or a video of Carmen!  Is that possible?  Is there any information out there about how long a person can go without sleep?  Hmmmm…

In Love With a Photograph

That’s all I can say.  I am in LOVE!  Ever since our referral all BH and I can do is stare at our sweet daughter’s face and revel in the miracle of HER!  We only have 1 set of photographs, yet everywhere we turn there she is…our peaceful, sleeping Carmen.  We went from being a “zero picture dispay” family to pictures displayed all over the house!  We went rummaging through the attic and found brand new picture frames covered in dirt and dust, both inside and out, that we scrubbed to a shine and filled with nearly identical pictures!  Sure, we’ll get new ones and will replace some of the sleeping pictures we have sitting around the house, but for now this is all we have!  We have pictures in all the following places (where, I repeat, we used to have NONE!): 

Our cars, wallpaper on our computers, taped to the computer desk, in frames on an end table in our family room and in our living room, in a frame hanging on the wall in our hallway, in a frame hanging on the wall of Carmen’s future room, in a tri-fold frame sitting on our headboard (so we can see her as we go to sleep at night and as we wake up in the morning).  While working from home one day BH actually set up a second monitor just so he could look at a full size picture of his daughter while he worked (he wasn’t AT work so he couldn’t look at the pictures he has of her in his cubicle).  Yes, my friends, it is a sickness!  One which I am pleased to announce has infected us!

I never imagined, as we started this process, how much a picture could mean!  I continually looked ahead to the moment when we would hold our daughter in our arms and then bring her home!  I just glossed over, in my mind, the idea of getting pictures and how that would make me feel!  Well, let me tell you…I could not be happier!  While friends and family lament at the fact that it could possibly take 8-9 months or more before we actually bring her home all I can do is smile.  I got what I need!  I have a picture to share with the people I love!  I have faith now that my dream of being a Mommy and BH being a Daddy will someday, if not soon, be a reality!  Sure, a picture might not be as good as the real thing, but you know what…I look at that picture, and talk to that picture, and kiss that picture!  That picture means the world to me and I would not trade how I feel about seeing our Carmen for the first time for the world!  She took our breath away and brought tears to both (yes, my dear BH, I say BOTH) our eyes!  She is already our sunshine on cloudy mornings and our full moon on cloudy nights!  She is not just a glimmer of hope…she is a reality!  She already brings us and those we love so much joy just knowing she is alive and waiting for us!  We love you, our dear sweet Carmen Julia Lopez!  And may you always know and feel that love, wherever you are, wherever you go, no matter how many miles lie between us!  We love you now and we will love you forever!