The Moment I Had Been Waiting For

Adoptive parents sometimes refer to a particular “moment” – that point in time when something just clicks and you finally feel that this child you waited so long to welcome into your home is finally YOUR child.  I had been feeling a little sad that I had yet to experience this so-called “moment”.  Of course not that I was pushing for it or looking for it.  I knew that it would just HAPPEN and when it did I would recognize it for what it was.

Well, let me just say…the moment I had been waiting for finally happened.  It happened last night…exactly  3 weeks after my daughter was placed in my arms FOREVER and let me just say, it was a moment that I will remember for the rest of my life!!!

I was doing our nightly bedtime ritual (BH does the diaper changing and puts on the PJ’s while I ready the bedroom. I then give Carmen a bottle and rock her until she falls asleep, and then gently place her into our bed for the night). Up until last night I had still felt a little bit like our bedtime routine was a bit of a “chore”…just something that needed to be done but never actually felt that there was any real ATTACHMENT going on. We had had a few rough bedtimes in our first days home so it never really took on the meaning I hoped it would, but rather was a bit sad and difficult for me. I don’t think that I had yet allowed myself to REALLY let go and say “This is it. We’re done and OUR daughter is home, FOREVER!!!” I became too focused on how every little cry must be a sign of grieving, which in turn was difficult for me to deal with. I also allowed the nagging feeling that this isn’t really REAL haunt me, making it difficult to allow myself to feel too close to Carmen for fear that this dream would be taken away somehow.

So, all that to say…my moment finally occurred last night during the time that I most feel like I’m just doing an “attachment chore”. Carmen finished sucking down her bottle (which she can do in about 3 1/2 minutes – FLAT). Usually she just looks around the room, occasionally will make eye contact with me, and then continues looking around the room and clapping her hands until she just cannot keep her eyes open any longer. Well, last night, about 5 minutes after her bottle her eyes locked with mine and she didn’t look away. We stared into each other’s eyes for about 45 seconds, before she finally gave me the cutest, sweetest grin I’ve ever seen in my life! It was as if to say “Hi Mommy. Things are all good!” Immediately tears began streaming down my face. She just continued looking at me and reaching up to touch my face and my tears. I just couldn’t stop crying!

You know, when our SW asked us at our first post-placement visit if we felt like she was our daughter of course our answers were an emphatic YES!!! She has felt like our daughter since the first moment we laid eyes on her in May 2007. BUT, last night I was finally able to look at her and not just say “Yes, this is my daughter,” but I was able to add “Yes, I am your Mommy!”

~ by shoolady on April 4, 2008.