Now What?!

*Author’s Note: Please disregard the jumble of thoughts that are about to spew forth on this page! My mind is racing a million miles a minute and for the sake of giving you a true glimpse into how I am feeling I will allow myself to share my thoughts as they emerge!

The house is clean, the shopping done (for the most part:) ), Carmen’s suitcase and the gift suitcase are both packed…now what?! It’s Monday and I still have 2 days till I leave. Actually, EXACTLY 48 hours till I step out my door for the very last time without my daughter being a living, breathing, tangible part of my life! It’s such an immense feeling! Almost an unbearable feeling! Overwhelming, if I’m being honest! I really imagined us working our tails off until the very last second with my first breath and real thoughts about nearing the end of this process taking place on an airplane as we depart for Guatemala! But luck would have it that both BH and Sie had different plans in mind! And following their lead we are now done, and here I sit, writing out some of my final thoughts!

Although it’s freezing in my house my palms and feet are sweaty, my heart is about to beat right out of my chest, jitterbugs are doing somersaults in my stomach, and this morning alone I’ve already cried tears of anxiety AND joy! This is IT!!! My last day alone in my house for the rest of my life! We are fast approaching the day I’ve dreamed about all my life!

My arms ache and long to hold her! My heart is exploding with a love that needs to be shared yet is STILL waiting for the one it longs to share that love with in its life. My brain keeps playing tricks on the rest of my body as it waits to finally KNOW what will happen next! This entire process has revolved around thoughts, feelings, emotions, “what-ifs”, maybes, oh nos, can it be trues?, you’ve got to be kidding mes!, prayers, and predictions. But nothing has ever been as final and resolute as it all seems NOW! We have a date, a goal, a light at the end of the tunnel. Yet my brain will not allow me to FEEL the joy of knowing that we are nearing the end! Oh…my heart so LONGS to feel that joy, but my stinkin brain, full of the “what-ifs”, the doubts, the fears…IT is taking over and until that baby is placed in my arms and I am told that I may take her home, my brain will continue on this path!

And I hate that! I don’t WANT to feel this way! I want to be filled with joy! And don’t get me wrong…there are waves of joy and excitement! MANY waves! But they don’t last! They are just that! Waves! They rush in, flood me with emotion, and then immediately are sucked back out by the next impending wave! I DO believe as the days wane and the day of departure quickly approaches that the tide will rise, lessening the time between waves and eventually allowing the excitement to finally linger! Until then, I will continue experiencing the euphoria of the waves crashing into me followed by the fear and anxiety that is left in their wake.

So, the title of this post begs the question “Now what?!” What’s next? My house is clean, Penny is at my SIL’s, Carmen’s stuff is packed, gifts are packed! What remains to be done? Well, there ARE a couple things I could busy myself with today, if I felt so inclined! The linen closet COULD be cleaned out and organized so there is plenty of room for Carmen’s towels, wash cloths, and bath toys. The pantry COULD be cleaned out so we know what food we have for our return and to make space for all the “baby” food we have on hand! We decided to take a gift down for O, Carmen’s natural Mom, in hopes that if we are NOT able to meet her our agency or our attorney can at least get something to her. That means I NEED to run out and find a gift for her…some lotion, a bracelet, a photo album with some pictures of Carmen…just not quite sure about that yet, but we really WANT to do something for her just so she knows our desire to keep the lines of communication open. If I get her a photo album that means I NEED to choose pictures to have printed to include in the album! I NEED to write our translated letter in the Spanish Bible we got for N, Carmen’s Foster Mami. I COULD run the vacuum cleaner through the house once more to get up all the newly created dust bunnies and fur balls left by the animals in these few short days since all that was already done (yes…the price of keeping shedding animals in the house)! We NEED to pack our OWN suitcases, which ultimately should not be too hard, compared to packing Carmen’s! We KNOW what we need, and it isn’t much! What we REALLY need is already IN Guatemala, waiting for us! If I have nothing else but the clothes on my back then so be it! I NEED to empty the dishwasher and straighten the kitchen and make sure the cats have plenty of food and water (although it’s not a HUGE concern because Sie will be stopping in occasionally to check on them…I think…did I remember to even ASK? Or did I just assume…Oh stink, something else to add to my list). I NEED to ask Sie if she and/or E are willing to stop in occasionally to check on the cats! I NEED to change the sheets on our bed so they are nice and clean when we arrive home with Carmen, who will be co-sleeping with us! I COULD run my coat/jacket through the washer, since I think that’s the ONLY item of laundry, including sheets, towels, furniture covers, curtains, etc., that hasn’t been washed in the last 2 weeks! I NEED to do a small amount of grocery shopping so we have plenty of things to eat without having to go out shopping right after we get home. We NEED to run to our local candy shop to pick-up some candy for gifts (we went on Saturday but due to some pretty nasty wind blowing trees down, the power was out and the candy shop closed!). I NEED to hang fresh bath towels and hand towels in all the bathrooms! I honestly think that might be it! Much of this list probably won’t be done until last thing tomorrow night! The rest I will occasionally do throughout the day today and tomorrow! Of course, on this list, the only things that MUST be done (despite all my NEEDs vs. COULDs) is the chocolate run and the gift run for O. Everything else can just BE.

For those who know me I would imagine it’s a bit of an understatement to admit that I’m a bit anal and hate to think of leaving ANYTHING unfinished, but the most important tasks have been done, and these final couple days really need to be spent in quiet, spiritual reflection as I think about how my life will change and as I praise God for the many blessings He has bestowed in my life! This past year and a half, since starting the process to bring Carmen home, has been indescribable and unforgettable! The ups…the downs…the highs…the lows! Visiting my daughter and spending a week with her…how I cannot express the joy that journey brought! And even moreso the opportunity to have shared that time with BH AND my dearest Sie! The elation over our first KO and immediate resubmission to PGN because we thought it meant things were moving quicker than ever anticipated! The pain and heartache over our 2nd KO, knowing it would take over 2 months before we could even begin our PGN countdown again! The thrill of receiving monthly photos that we could print and hang in the house, making this process just a little more bearable! The fear of a looming year-end deadline and what that would mean for families already in the process of bringing their little ones home! The two most surreal moments when the phone rang, once to tell us that a baby was ready and waiting for us, the second time to tell us that Guatemala had finally approved for us to soon come down and take that baby home!!! The anguish of following other families in this process who undoubtedly face the same if not worse obstacles than our own…families who I have grown to love and care for as if I’ve known them all my life, yet, in reality, have only known them, mostly only through the internet, for a year! The relief of finally receiving that notice telling us when we should appear, with OUR daughter, before the US Embassy in order to obtain her VISA! The sadness at knowing that while our journey is coming to an end, so many of my friends are still in the heat of this process, waiting…waiting…waiting for that moment when they too can finally let out a breath and begin to shed some tears of joy, rather than tears of pain! The exhilaration AND anxiety of knowing that in a few short days Carmen will be placed in my arms by the only woman she has ever known and loved as her Mami!!!! The fear and pain of knowing that in my joy there is also grief and sadness. Grief experienced by O, by N and her family, and most importantly by Carmen! The pain of knowing that for a brief period I will be the CAUSE of that grief! And finally the joy and relief of knowing that I will then be the one comforting Carmen and supporting her as she works through the grief she experiences as a result of her loss.

To all our family and friends, both new and old, THANK YOU, from the bottom of our hearts for the many prayers and kind words sent our way! We know, without a shadow of a doubt, that were it not for YOU we would not be where we are today, both physically AND emotionally! Your support of us and the love you already feel for Carmen will never be forgotten! It will live in our hearts and will be transferred to Carmen’s heart for as long as we have the breath to share it! And to all my dear friends still waiting, YOU will also be remembered! Just because our journey is drawing to a close does not mean that you will be forgotten! My prayers will continue daily for you, as I stand next to you rejoicing in the wonderful news and banging my fists at the discouraging news! You, my friends, have been my rock and I pray that I too can be the rock you need when you feel that you are sinking!

~ by shoolady on March 10, 2008.