July 11th-A Bittersweet Day

OK…so, as many of you know by now we have experienced quite a bit of excitement over the past couple weeks!  I have not done a terribly good job at keeping up with my posts, but at least I can always count on BH to fill you all in on the goings-on in our lives!  But, for personal record- keeping sake, allow me to share with you my own reactions to our exciting news!!!!

AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!  WOOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!  YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Ah…much better!  Just in case you were wondering I am equally, if not more excited than BH about all that has happened over the last few weeks!

First, we were feeling quite discouraged about not receiving any new pics of Carmen since our referral.  So, after sending an e-mail to our SW asking about new pics and/or our highly anticipated video we received a response from her that included 4 additional e-mails of pictures!  We were absolutely thrilled and began immediately sending them around to everyone we could think of since so many other people were just as anxious to see how she had changed. 

Then, around 6:00 p.m. on the same day I decided to head upstairs to do a little cleaning.  As I opened the front door to go out and check the mail a manilla envelope landed at my feet!!!  I picked it up and looked at the return address and saw that it was from our agency.  Thinking it was merely a receipt for the last payment we sent in I didn’t open the envelope with too much fanfare.  But then the words “genetic” caught my eyes and I totally flipped out!!!  I mean 100% totally bonkers!  I pulled those papers out of the envelope to confirm that I did in fact hold in my hands the results of Carmen’s DNA test!  HOLY COW!!!!  We didn’t even know the test had been scheduled let alone performed!!!!  I picked up the phone and called BH to tell him that he needed to go back and get our Diet Limeades from Sonic!  But wouldn’t you know…he didn’t answer his phone!  I called and I called!  I finally left a message telling him to call me as soon as he got the message.  Also, thinking maybe his phone wasn’t ringing but an e-mail might vibrate I sent him an e-mail simply stating, “YOU NEED TO CALL ME NOW!!!!!!!”  Within a couple minutes the phone rang and I knew it was him.  Now, keep in mind that up until now, aside from a little shaking and running from one end of the house to the other, I was moderately composed.  As soon as I heard his voice I burst into tears.  I mean hysterical, sobbing tears!  I hollered into the phone that we received Carmen’s DNA results, but I don’t even think he knew what I had just said.  I’m not sure if it was shock or if he just couldn’t understand me through the tears!  Needless to say I had to repeat it! 

Words cannot express how we both felt the rest of that evening.  July 11th will go down as one of the best days of my life!  I know it wasn’t a huge milestone but to me it was progress!  Just another step down on the 38-item timeline! 

As I laid in bed that night (or should I say the next morning?) thinking about the day, tears streamed down my face!  Pictures of my daughter kept entering my mind and the thought of soon holding Carmen in my arms suddenly became a reality!  Not that I didn’t think so before, but it finally hit home THAT night…I AM A MOMMY!!!  She may not be with me right now but she is my daughter and I am her Mommy! 

But you know…that night I also shed tears for Carmen’s birthmom, as I thought about the pain she must have felt holding her daughter, for what might have been the last time!  In the same single moment I became a Mommy while she said goodbye to her baby!  It breaks my heart to think of all the mothers out there who have no choice but to break that maternal bond and do what they feel is best for their child!  It’s so hard to say that I feel grateful to her because of the reward I reap from her pain, but you know what…I do!  But Carmen’s mother did not choose to place her for adoption so that I might have a child…she did so for Carmen.  And it would NEVER be fitting for me to express my gratitude to her.  Empathy for her pain and sorrow…perhaps, but gratitude?  NEVER!  Expressing gratitude to her for such an act demeans her sacrifice.  It takes away from the REAL reason that I will have Carmen in my life!  We can say it was meant to be or God had a plan for Carmen and for BH and me all along.  But in so doing we are also saying that God intended for Carmen and her mother to experience the pain of loss and I just cannot believe that is true!  My God is one of love and compassion!  He does not cause pain or anguish.  However, in that compassion I do believe that when we experience pain He is there to help us through it and to heal our empty and broken hearts.  On this night I pray that Carmen’s mother feels God’s love and His touch and that she would know that He is there for her and weeps with her as she faces this most difficult time in her life!

~ by shoolady on July 20, 2007.