As Mother’s Day Approaches
As this Mother’s Day approaches I find myself feeling a mix of emotions!
Heartache as I wait for and watch a 4th Mother’s Day come and go without my Mommy to whom I owe so many more Mother’s Days full of love and gratitude and appreciation yet will not have the chance. Sadness as I wonder if I told her enough how much I loved her and whether she knew that everything she taught me would be in my heart and mind forever and would eventually be passed on to my child. Disappointment that she is not here to share in the joy of welcoming a new family member into our home.
Yet, as I think about this upcoming Mother’s Day weekend I cannot only see it as one darkened by shadow. For, you see, this Mother’s Day I have the knowledge that soon it will be my turn. Soon this holiday will have meaning for me not just as a daughter honoring her mother, but as a mother honoring her daughter! It brings me great joy to think about CJ and me spending the next 20, 30, 40, even 50? Mother’s Days together.
It also brings feelings of fear and doubt. What kind of mother will I be? Will I be the kind of mother CJ needs or wants or even cares about? Will I always be there for her when she needs me? Will I know when not to be there? Will I say the right things to her when she’s sad or scared? Will I know when not to say anything at all?
But then I stop and think! I feel comfort knowing I can answer my own questions. What kind of mother will I be? Who knows! Only God knows. I will try my hardest to do what is right, to raise her the best way I know, in a loving, Christian home. Will I be perfect? Absolutely not and if I expect such a thing then shame on me. That’s only setting myself AND CJ up for failure. Will I be the kind of mother CJ needs or wants or even cares about? Again, who knows? What I do know is that I must always trust my instinct, trust God, and, most importantly, trust CJ. She will tell me what she needs by her actions and her words. If I have the courage to listen then she will get from me all that she needs, wants, and cares about.
As I look at myself on this Mother’s Day I look with my heart, soul, and mind. I know that I have the skills to be a Mommy not only because of instinct but also because of what I learned from my own Mommy. She taught me patience and discipline. She taught me to trust when that trust is earned. She taught me kindness and compassion. She taught me forgiveness and understanding. But most importantly she taught me the meaning of “unconditional love.” Am I sad that she will not be here to help me through the tough times of motherhood and to answer the phone after midnight when I don’t know what to do for a tired, sick baby? You bet! Heartbroken!
But I feel at peace knowing, WITHOUT a shadow of a doubt, that she is watching me and holding me close to her. She IS here with me every day! She will be with me when we fly to Guatemala to pick up CJ. She will be with me when I bandage that first scraped knee. She will be with me as I watch my baby grow up! She will laugh with me and cry with me! For you see…she IS me! And I love her more than words can say! Happy Mother’s Day, Mommy! And Thank You!
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